and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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