i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Bring me that man meat
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
