how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
bring money and cleavage
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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