you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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