I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
