At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
