that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
