life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
