whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
