Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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