If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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