She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
