I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
We're too hungover to prance.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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