see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
