i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
PS: I just woke up from my shower
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
