My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
