Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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