filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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