i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
