dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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