Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Pants are for mortals
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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