I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
