I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
