i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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