I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
