He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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