I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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