i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
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I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
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so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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