In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize