im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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