if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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