Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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