Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
