Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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