It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just had sex on a roof
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
