yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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