im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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