My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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