Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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