Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
