He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize