john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
