U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
