I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
