Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Everclear isn't food dammit
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