a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
