I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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