my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Randomize
