if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
