she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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