took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
