The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
