Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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