I accidentally had phone sex last night
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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