proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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