I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
