After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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