My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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