i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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