actually, I'm a sock model
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
