I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
