96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
